How to Support Grieving Children at School

November 18, 2021 is National Children’s Grief Awareness Day & I’d like to highlight how destabilizing an experience it is for a child to lose a parent, guardian, sibling or loved one. Those of us who lost a parent in childhood attest to the relentless, long-term nature of grief. It has been almost 34 years since since my mother died and I still miss her. In my youth I worried incessantly about the wellbeing of my devoted & loving father. Having witnessed a heartbreaking loss at a very early age I knew what death meant.

As a young girl whose mother had just died I’d like to point to five things that would have helped me feel safer and cared for at school.

1. Kind, caring, compassionate words from a teacher such as “How are you doing today, Carmel?” “What would make you feel happy/comfortable in class today, Carmel?” “Would you like to sit beside your friend for the day?” “Let me know if you’d like to take a break to read your book/draw a picture or listen to some music during class.”

2. More options for creative, expressive learning such as art classes, physical education, dramatic play and games. I craved artistic outlets and longed for more time to run around with my classmates outdoors. Basically, I wanted to express myself through play and play is key to healing.

3. Flexibility around homework. We were assigned a lot of homework when I was in school. I always completed it, but the amount of time spent on evening schoolwork frustrated me when I could have been playing or spending time with my family.

4. A listening ear or a message of encouragement can go a long way toward comforting a child. Had I been assigned a particular person in school, a concerned, kind teacher perhaps, who checked in with me every day for the first few weeks after Mam’s death, I believe this would have made a huge impact on my experience at school.

5. Introductions to friends who had also experienced a profound loss, or groups set up to support grieving children in the school.

Things have changed since I attended school in 80’s and 90’s Ireland. I know improvements have been made since and yet most teachers do not receive grief training. I was fortunate because I had my dad, but some youths don’t have adults at home who offer them the care they need and deserve. For me home was safe while at school I experienced anxiety and unease. Children deserve to feel safe and kindness goes a long way.

Thankfully today there are many wonderful organizations dedicated to supporting grieving children. Check out this past blog post for more information on grief support groups and helpful organizations.

Carmel X

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Carmel Breathnach is a freelance writer and former elementary school teacher, born in Ireland and living in Portland, Oregon. She holds a B.A. degree in English literature and Irish language studies from NUI Maynooth, and a Diploma in Education from St. Patrick’s College, Dublin. Carmel writes on the themes of childhood mother loss, grief and gratitude. Her work has appeared in the New York Times, The Irish Times, Huffington Post, Upworthy, Scary Mommy, Voice Catcher, Modern Loss and Pendemic.ie, as well as in the anthology Hidden Lights published by Golden Dragonfly Press. Carmel is currently working on a memoir about mother loss titled Briefly I Knew My Mother.